A Chronicle of Illness and the Beginning of Healing

Twenty years ago, after decades of impeccable health in childhood and young adulthood, I started getting ill.

At first it was one-off ailments (an ovarian cyst, a cervical polyp) but gradually I began a collection of conditions: I was diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes, high blood pressure, sleep apnoea, arthritis. In 2018, in Tehran, I had both hips replaced in the space of three months: the surgeon had absolutely no idea what might have caused it (is ‘idiopathic’ med-speak for ‘haven’t got a clue’?)

I went through a very dark time mentally and psychologically, with a low-level depression that would not go away even after full recovery from the operations. After the two hip replacements, the right ankle, where arthritis had first manifested, gradually became more deformed and increasingly painful, thus limiting my overall mobility.

It was a chance remark at an Introduction to Counselling lesson that fired the first spark. The instructor recounted a childhood memory: in her large family of origin the children had no right to express anger – only her father was allowed to – and even if they did, they got told off or, worse, beaten up. It took her years of her own training to realise that she carried an enormous amount of anger that she had repressed so strongly that even she did not know about. What did she just say? The question haunted me over the following days.

In January 2020 in London, I was told that in all probability I have liver cirrhosis – that put an end to any use of painkillers, even paracetamol.

The latest diagnosis highlighted the complete lack of psychological support structure in the health system: the liver specialist at Charing Cross Hospital was very sensitive, even compassionate, as she shared the diagnosis, but she only gave me a couple of telephone numbers and recommended contacting The British Liver Trust. Apart from cutting down on salt and trying to lose some weight, I saw that radical work had to take place to shift the repressed anger and resentment that had been stored in my liver for a long, long time.

There was no guidance by anyone. Lockdown started. I had ten counselling sessions privately, over the phone (online sessions had not entered our lives yet), but I could not sustain the expense. I came across IAPT (Increase Access to Psychological Treatment) Ealing and self-referred. After a couple of sessions, I was told that the issues I needed to explore were too complex, so IAPT referred me to the Ealing Abbey Counselling Service. After a year of online counselling with EACS, I made great progress working through issues that had plagued my life for so long. I will be forever grateful to them.

Last autumn I went through another very difficult period in my native city of Athens, in Greece this time. Over the space of seven weeks, my sister and I had our father’s remains exhumed and re-buried in our mother’s grave; I cleared out the flat I grew up in, sold and gave away furniture and china that my mother had cherished all her life; a serious relationship issue shook the life of some very dear ones; a break-in resulted in the loss of laptops, tablets, external drives and the work of months. My blood sugar readings shot through the roof on three separate occasions, and remained too high for weeks on end after my return from Athens in late October 2021.  

Now I see that all this had to happen.

In early November a writer friend started a 28-day Joyful Death Contemplation with the Stoics. Through asynchronous interaction over the Slack app, and two live zoom meetings, participants from all over the world came together to exchange experiences, readings – or simply, just came together. Stoic philosophy has had a positive impact on my life over the years, but this was the first time that I experienced firsthand the practical benefits of undertaking a practice in a virtual community. The sense of the human condition binding us together inspired me to set up and host another similar practice, and so Live Like a Stoic: the 52 Weeks Towards a Good Life started on 31 January 2022. Over 100 participants are signed up; we interact asynchronously in a private Slack community, and have already held two monthly meet-ups on zoom: at the first one, the authors of the book answered questions by the community.

Last autumn I re-read and really comprehended The Power of Now, and began to practise Eckhart Tolle’s teachings. This book has had a lasting, positive impact on my wellbeing and quality of life. For those of us who live with chronic conditions, I see great potential benefits in participating in a group practice to work through the book and exchange ideas and experiences in a safe, supportive online community. With my recent experience of taking part and facilitating/hosting other virtual groups, this is an opportunity I would welcome.